How to Blow 14 Million Dollars on Discounted Scented Candles - Financial Advice from Grandma Susan - Humor Column

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 So, it turns out Susan reads my blog.

This is a terrifying development. If you recall, I recently wrote a column detailing the romantic and financial exploits of Caleb's grandmother. In that column, I stated that Susan was 67 years old.

I have since been informed—loudly, and with a level of hostility usually reserved for territorial wolverines—that she is, in fact, 47. (So apparently she had Ashley at age 8-- according to her)

She of course lied straight to my face.

What she doesn't know is that her mother Caleb's great-grandma gave me her birth certificate.

So, lets continue-- at age 73, Susan possesses a terrifying, aggressive vitality that makes me, a man four days away from turning 41, want to lie down on the kitchen floor and wait for the sweet release of a nap.

But Susan was not just mad about the age. She was mad about the implication that she doesn't know what she's doing with her money.

Let me clarify Susan's financial situation. She currently has roughly 14 million dollars in the bank. This is an amount of money that my brain literally cannot process. If I find a stray, slightly damp five-dollar bill in the pocket of my jeans, I consider it a major economic victory.

But here is the MEDICAL FACT about Susan: she spends $2,000 a day.

How does one spend two grand every twenty-four hours? You might assume she is buying luxury sports cars, chartering private helicopters, or funding a small, independent nation. You would be wrong. Susan’s primary financial black hole is TJ Maxx.

I am not making this up. She descends upon TJ Maxx like a locust plague with a platinum card. She buys things no human society has ever needed. Three dozen discounted seasonal hand towels. A six-foot-tall wooden giraffe. Entire shopping carts full of heavily discounted, slightly dented scented candles that smell like "Autumn Regret."

Because of this aggressive, high-stakes retail strategy, Susan has done the math. She has realized that at a burn rate of two grand a day on decorative ceramic owls, her 14 million dollars is only going to last her a few more years.

Her solution to this impending financial cliff? Millionaire dating websites.

That is right. At 73, she is actively prowling the internet for a man with a yacht and a weak heart so she can continue her vital, daily work of purchasing every discounted throw pillow on the Eastern seaboard.

Meanwhile, Caleb is currently running laps around the living room at Mach 3, and I am mentally negotiating with my own kneecaps to see if they will support my weight long enough to make a keto-friendly dinner consisting almost entirely of melted cheese. I don't need a millionaire dating site. I just need a nap and a coupon for bacon.

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